Remakes Return
by Nanaki-Talbert
Summary: Just my humor being released into a parody of Final Fantasy XII.
1. Chapter One

Well, This story I made a LONG LONG LONG time ago. In fact, you can find it on my old account JaggedEdgeSaga. I updated it, but It still did show up yet. o.o;; Well then. I'm just going to post it on this account so it will get reconized again.  
  
A/N:I'm basically bored at the moment and feel like writing. So I thought i'll make a sort of final fantasy 7 thing. R&R!!  
  
Screen fades in to where Cloud and Barret and the rest of avalanche jump off the train. But as Cloud tries to jump off he gets stuck on top of it and hangs in the doorway.  
  
Cloud="Er...Help! Gemme down!"  
  
Barret="Dude,you look so %&$&(&$ messed up!"  
  
Cloud="Help!!!!!"  
  
Just then the door closes and his nose gets stuck in. The train drives off with cloud still hanging. Suddenly there is a scream as the train goes through the tunnel.  
  
Screen fades to where Cloud starts to tell his memories of Sephiroth and Nibelhiem. The truck hits something and sephiroth and Cloud walk out. Instead of a dragon they see...  
  
Sephiroth="Weapon?!"  
  
Cloud="oooooh...Look at the pretty colors.."  
  
Sephiroth="Don't Be an Idiot,Cloud! Throw me my materia from the truck."  
  
Cloud="Okay,I'll get your balls!"  
  
Sephiroth looks at him dangerously and looks up at Weapon.  
  
Sephiroth="What are you doing here anyway? It's only the first disc!!"  
  
Weapon="Wait...It's the first disc?"  
  
Sephiroth="Yeah.."  
  
Weapon="ooohhhhhh! No wonder that red headed dork wasn't shotting at me."  
  
Rufus="I heard that! Just because i'm not in this scene doesn't mean I can't hear."  
  
Weapon="Blah.."  
  
Cloud runs up and throws materia at Sephiroth,only misses and hits him between the legs. Sephiroth squeals and falls over.  
  
Cloud="Err..AHHHHHH!!!!! WEAPON!!!!!!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HEREE?!!!!!"  
  
Tifa runs up and pounces on Rufus. She strangles him.  
  
Tifa="Can you smell cheese?!!?!!"  
  
Sephiroth picks a squealing tifa off of Rufus.  
  
Sephiroth="What's the matter?"  
  
Tifa="I smell cheese! It's been haunting me ever since that night at the well with Cloud."  
  
Sephiroth looks at Cloud.="YOU were with Tifa?"  
  
Cloud snorts="She wishes."  
  
Tifa pounces on Cloud and strangles him="SWISS I TELL YOU!!!!!! SWISSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!"  
  
Sephiroth="Stay down Cloud. This way I don't have to kill you later. BWUHAHAHAA!"  
  
Cloud Pushes tifa off and stands.He looks up at Weapon.="AHHHHHHH!!!! WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!"  
  
Sephiroth sets him on fire and watches him squeal.  
  
Sephiroth="Burn baby burn."  
  
Tifa,Weapon,Rufus,And Sephiroth roast marshmellows over Cloud.  
  
The screen fades in to a later scene of the Nibelhiem dragon thing. Sephiroth and Rufus had apparently got refreshments and had a party with Cloud as a bonfire. Weapon holds up the masamune and dances at the same time. Sephiroth,Rufus,Tifa,The Two gaurds in the truck,and the driver are playing limbo with it. Suddenly Weapon dips and starts to break dance and there are screams heard. Weapon hides the masamune behind his back .  
  
Weapon="Oops...."  
  
Please R&R. And sorry bout the Cloud Bashing. Tis Fun though. I love cloud just as anyone else does... -Looks at Cloud fan club kissing portaits of him.- er....Maybe not... -backs away slowly...- 


	2. Chapter Two

Cid and Cloud and Tifa are on they're way into space.  
  
Cid="My dream..."  
  
Cloud="Which? The one about Tifa?"  
  
Tifa="What?!"  
  
She bounces over.  
  
Tifa="what dream?"  
  
Cid="Er...well....I had a dream you were covered in cream cheese..."  
  
Tifa="....So?"  
  
Cid="So...You asked me to get it off!!!"  
  
Cloud="You sick perverted Drunk ass wanna be sephiroth's mother!"  
  
Cid="No...She was in Swiss."  
  
Tifa="SWISS?!! DID YOU SAY SWISS?!!!!!!!!!!! ARRRRRRGH!!!!!"  
  
Tifa pounces on Cid and strangles him.  
  
Tifa="DO YOU SMELL IT?!?!?!"  
  
Cloud stands in the background licking his sword.  
  
Cloud="The blood of my passed enemies..."  
  
He spreads ranch dressing over it and licks it again.  
  
Cloud="Yeeees...Yesssss..."  
  
Tifa="Now Shmell My Cheeshy Toruture."  
  
Tifa punched at cid,but cloud stopped her.  
  
Cloud="If you knock him out,and we're in space,WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GUNNA DO?!?!?!?!  
  
Tifa="errr......Eat Cheese?"  
  
Suddenly there was a thump,then a bang. Something white crashed into the space shuddle and onto the floor. A wall came down to cut off the hole and keep from space sucking out their little bodies. The white thing on the floor writhed and sat up. It sat up and pulled off it's helmet to reveal.........  
  
Squall Lionheart!  
  
(from final fantasy 8)  
  
Cloud="Who the hell are you?!"  
  
Squall="Squall Lionheart."  
  
Cloud="Oh. The guy i had to take all those damned pictures with. The guy who wears like seven belts. The guy who.."  
  
Squall="YES! For the love of God,YES!"  
  
Cloud="Ohhh...."  
  
Cid="I played that game. Damn you got some hot chicks up in there.Irvine's my idol!"  
  
Squall="I bet he is..."  
  
Tifa="I played it too....so where's-"  
  
Another bang,then a thump then a crash.  
  
Another body flew into the room,and again a wall came down to cut them off from space.  
  
Tifa="How good it is to see you Rinoa."  
  
Rinoa="MY GOD!!! THESE PEOPLE DON'T HAVE FINGERS!!! SO POOR GRAPHICS!!!"  
  
Rinoa screams in pain.  
  
Rinoa="THE HORROR!!"  
  
She hugs squall closely.  
  
Cloud="GET A ROOM FOR GOD'S SAKE!!"  
  
Cid="What's wrong with right here?"  
  
There was a large white flash as the rocket crashed into meteor.. 


	3. Chapter Three

A/N- I felt like makin' a new chapter, so here 't goes. Yeah, none of the characters are mine. Oh yeah, no offence to anyone. If you like LOTR or SOuthpark or both, i'm not "dissin'" them. I like them which is why i put them in there. P.s. I like Nanaki (though he is a bit strange in this one.)  
  
P.S.- All the auther notes in the past three chapters were written a long time ago. --new.  
  
Cloud walks into his house and sits down on his couch. Barret and Nanaki (or Red XII. Whichever you prefer.) Are there too.Cloud flips on his PS2 and starts up Kingdom Hearts. Cloud looks at them.  
  
"I'm on this game ya know. I have this gay cape. What they hell they make me out to be? Superman? What the hell?!"  
  
Nanaki snickers and stands up. He starts to dance around after seeing cloud on the game. He starts to clap energetically. "We're here, we're not queer, but we're close, So get used to it!!!" (yes, Southpark.)  
  
Barret laughs so hard his gun falls off his arm.  
  
"Oh my god! Shit!"  
  
It reveals a very small hand, about the size of a baseball. Everyone freezes. Cloud,Cloud on the game,Nanaki,barret, and yuffie. Wait, what the?  
  
Cloud-"Yuffie ain't up in hurr dawg. What the shizzle is wrong wit choo bizzles? Ma kizzle lizzle gucci bizzles in the hizzle fo shizzle gamissltyeianshasizzle!" HE stands up and his pants fall down to his lower waist. He tilts a black hat over his left eye and pulls out a glock.  
  
"Yo' MothaFizzles!"  
  
Barret quietly puts his gun back on. [camera zooms to nanaki, whom stops licking himself...] Complete silence....untill..  
  
Yuffie busts through the window. "What up cloudy!" She throws herself upon him and starts to chew on his hat.  
  
What the hell's wrong with you you dumb bitch?!  
  
Nanaki stands up. "I AM NOT A BITCH! I'M A FRICKEN MALE! I'M NOT EVEN A DOG!!!!"  
  
Cloud-"dude, i wasn't talking to ya..."  
  
Barret[offset] laughs. He whistles. "Here boy, come get it!" He waves a doggy treat around.  
  
Nanaki-"OHH OOHH! BACON BACON BACON BACON!!!"  
  
Yuffie goes off to herself, holding a cross to Nanaki..."Yuffie no like Nanaki. Bacon bacon bacon evil." she foams at her mouth. "MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW! MEOW MIX!" Suddenly all her hair falls out and she turns bald. She has a few strands here and there.  
  
"Gollum no like Nanaki. He took my precious! MY PRECIOUS!"  
  
Cloud-"What the Fu you be takin her shit fo, yo,ho,goey shoey loey,Nanakizzle!"  
  
[camera zooms to nanaki whom is licking himself again.]  
  
Nanaki-"STOP THAT!!!!"  
  
Cloud-"Stop what?"  
  
Yuffie-"my...precious..."  
  
Barret-"Miss susy had a steam boat"  
  
Cloud-"the steam boat had a bell!"  
  
Yuffie-" My precious liked bells."  
  
Barret goes into a dramatic scene.-"Marlene.....How....HOW DID YOU GET A FRICKEN B ON YOUR REPORT CARD?! YOU DIRTY LITTLE SKANK! I'MA RIP YOUR HAIR OUT AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS SO YOU LOOK LIKE A BALD VERSION OF YOGI BEAR! YOU DAMN LITTLE SKANK! DAMN IT! DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!!!!" Cloud-"DAMNIT! DAMN YOU SORA, THE WHORA!! DAMN YOU!" He throws the controller against the wall. It shatters into little tiny pieces.  
  
Barret stops and picks his nose... Yuffie is still trippin about her precious. [Camera pans backwards untill it hits Nanaki and catches him licking.] Nanaki- HAH!  
  
Kyle-"Red rocket,Red Rocket!!!" Cartman-"Sweet." Stan-"Dude!" Kenny-"mhmm mhmm mpmhm mhhmp" Cloud.-"That's it, i'm going nuts."  
  
[everyone is sitting down on Cloud's couch as he tries to play kingdom hearts.]  
  
Barret-"Press X you stupid gay superman!"  
  
Cloud-"Man, Shu'up!"  
  
Sora[on the game] locks on to a tree and hits that while 300 Large bodies fling themselves at him. The Game sounds are that of pac man. Sora turns and dies, while in the middle of using a potion.  
  
Cloud- "GODDAMNIT! GOD DAMN WHORA! THAT'S THE LAST TIME YOU STUPID LITTLE HOE! LAST TIME! I'M GUNNA RIP YO ASS OUT THAT GAME AND STICK YOU TO MY FRICKEN WINDOW! YOU LIPS ARE SO GODDAMN HUGE! THEY MATCH YOUR FRICKEN FEET!"  
  
Barret-"Losing bladder control,losing bladder control,losing bladder control." [sploosh.]  
  
[Camera pans to nanaki relieving himself in a flower pot. The he turns and humps yuffie's leg.]  
  
Yuffie- I TOLD YOU YOU WERE A DOG!!  
  
Nanaki-BACON BACON BACON BACON BACON!!!!  
  
Cloud-Dude, that's worse then the damn cheese story.  
  
Barret-Screw this bud. [he holds out his little hand and wipes snot on yuffie's shirt.]  
  
Nanaki-"I...Am...Screwing..This.."  
  
Cloud-"OH MY GOD!!"  
  
Barret-"Yes i know it's wrong...but remember Nanaki is getting older now.."  
  
Cloud-"No, i just remembered. I broke the controller. how the hell...  
  
[Rewinds back to where the controller broke.]  
  
Cloud-"your gunna be okay..."  
  
Tifa-"really?" Her hand is holding her wound ,blood seeping through her fingers."  
  
Cloud-"your gunna be fine. I have only one more potion. It's a Hi-potion. Should save you."  
  
Tifa-"I love you cloud..."  
  
[Camera pans upwards to show that cloud was really talking to his controller, which has an IV,Bandages,and a heart moniter.]  
  
Cloud uses the potion on the controller and it's brand-new.He continues to play as tifa dies.  
  
tifa-I...slept...with....Cid...-makes a pig snort and dies.-  
  
nanaki stands up- WHERE HERE, WHERE NOT QUEER,BUT WE'RE CLOSE,SO GET USED TO IT!!!!!! Cloud stands up and dances. So does barret and Yuffie. Then, out of nowhere a little tiny seed is shot through the window.  
  
Seed-"heh,bitch. Ya'll gun' fuc die now. I'm a sinspawn, mothafizzles! "  
  
Barret casts invicibillity on them all, except Tifa, and laughs.  
Sinspawn- there isn't even a cast like that,foo!  
  
Barret-yeah huh!  
  
Sinspawn- But there is one way i can defeat you...  
  
Cloud-yeah...sure..  
  
Sinspawn- Die bitch!  
  
Nanaki-HEY!! I'm not a bitch!  
  
Sinspawn runs towards the PS2 and clicks the power button.  
  
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!-everyone-  
  
THE END  
  
Sora-that was the dumbest game i ever fuc' played! What the hell!!!  
  
THE END 


	4. Chapter Four

A/nwell, It's been FOREVER since I updated this Ficcy. I have been alive, yes, but I just recently got back on Fanfiction. I have another account on here, Nanaki-Talbert, I realized. -ahem- Well I guess I'ma write a new chappy.  
  
Disclaimer: If you really think I own Final Fantasy Seven or anything of the sort, I shall laugh at you and throw sausage at you freely. If I was the owener I woul dnot be on the computer right now but riding around in a golf cart in a country club.  
  
Cloud walked into his living room and sat on his couch. He flipped on his TV, bored as hell. He pulled out his PHS and decided to throw a party. He called Tifa, Barret, Vincent, Nanaki, Cait Sith, Cid. He hated yuffie, but Tifa made him call her anyway.  
  
Cloud="Hello....is Yuffie there"  
  
Person on the other line= "wahahahahahaha boooka tookie!"  
  
Cloud="what the hell? Is she there or not?"  
  
PONTL="wannnnaaana Riki-Tiki tavi!"  
  
Cloud="...Yuffie is that you?"  
  
Yuffie="Yeah."  
  
Cloud="What was all that about?" He was annoyed already by having to call her.  
  
Yuffie="Er...What was What?" In the background Cloud can hear a whip cracking and people screaming.  
  
Person in background="Oh god! She is making us be her love slaves! Please! Help us!"  
  
Yuffie="Shut up you fools! Just for that, You have lost your sock rights!"  
  
PIB="My sock rights?"  
  
Yuffie=-throws a sock at him and slaps him with a flounder.- "shu'up!"  
  
Cloud=...  
  
Yuffie= "Oh yeah, what did you want you sexy beast?"  
  
Cloud="UH....Nothin'...Just wanted to tell you that Sephiroth thinks your hot. Bye!"  
  
He slams the PHS off and stares at a wall. He shrugs and stands, going into the kitchen.  
  
Cloud="Who the hell are you people?!!?!"  
  
Two men and a woman looks up from cloud's fridge. The woman cries out and falls to the floor, writhing in pain.  
  
"SO POOR GRAPHICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Cloud="Rinoa?"  
  
Rinoa="Squall! Help me before I go into a coma and make you travel all over the world and rape people!"  
  
Squall screams and falls to the floor next to Rinoa. He lifts her head off the floor and runs his fingers through her hair.  
  
Cloud doesn't seem to notice and steps on top of them and looks into his fridge, standing next to the other man.  
  
Cloud="Well, Ain't ya gunna fall to the floor over-dramatically and writhe in pain."  
  
Zell="No, I'm eating your hot dogs. Maybe later though."  
  
Cloud="Oh, whatever then. Pass the pickles."  
  
Just then Tifa busts in through the window.  
  
Cloud="I have a window?! Sweet!"  
  
Tifa=" I don't smell cheese anymore! I'm so happy!!!"  
  
She jumps on cloud and starts raping him. Zell looks over his shoulder at cloud screaming for help. "Are you gunna eat your hotdog? Okayyyyy, I didn't think so." He chomps on the hotdog and eats it.  
  
Nanaki and Barret come strolling in, Marlene riding on Nanaki's back. Nanaki grumbled and scowled at her.  
  
Marlene="Thanks daddy fowr letting me wide on Uncle Nana's Backie!"  
  
Nanaki Barret and Marlene all see Tifa,Cloud, Squall, and Rinoa on the floor.  
  
Barret="Oh my god! Don't look Marlene! Your too innocent and you've never seen anything like this before in your innocent, little life!"  
  
Nanaki="she's not all that innocent."  
  
Marlene=" HOLY FUCKING HELL! LOOK AT THOSE HORNY BASTARDS! GODDAMN THEY BE HITTING THAT HARD!!"  
  
Barret passes out after hearing his "innocent" Daughter. Nanaki stands up at knocks Marlene off.  
  
Nanaki="Little Bitch."  
  
Marlene="I'mma get you for that you pussy-whipped bitch!"  
  
Nanaki-"Oh my god! What's wrong with you!?! There are probabaly kids reading this -pauses and picks up a nickle he finds on the floor.- Oooooh....nickle pretty.....oh yeah. There are polly little kids reading this!!!  
  
Marlene="Little kids are government spies, you dolt. Haven't you seen Spy kids?"  
  
Nanaki="The one movie when they got trapped in a coputer was horribly cliche. I mean, really. They woulda been better off with a meteor or an army of agents."  
  
Neo from the matrix busts in through the window.  
  
Cloud="My window! Again!"  
  
Neo="I believe you have information about the matrix. I must eliminate you all."  
  
Marlene="I'd like to see you get through me you overgrown morbid gothic freak!"-She throws a yo-yo at Neo and he falls over and dies.-  
  
Everyone= -O.O-  
  
Squall="Ya Know. That makes no logical sense what-so-ever."  
  
Vincent walks in a speedo bikini and a sombrero. He held up a bottle of wine and squealed like a horse.  
  
Squall="Actually, Horses don't squeal."  
  
Vincent pulled Death Penalty out of his bikini and shot Squall.  
  
Squall="..." -dead-  
  
Rinoa="NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Zell="Wow, there was one-hundred and sixty-eight exclamation points in your hopeless, over dramatic scream."  
  
Rinoa="Now who am I gunna send to walmart to pick me up Tampons?!!"  
  
Everyone screams and throws socks at her, killing her.  
  
Zell="Heh, cool."  
  
Nanaki walks around to look at cloud and tifa. As it turns out they were just playing cards. Zell coached Cloud while stuffing his face with a hotdog.  
  
Zell="Now the numbers gotta be higher than hers. Ya get it now?"  
  
Cloud="Yeah you fag, I told you that an hour ago. You don't listen!"  
  
Zell="Fine I'll run through it run more time."  
  
Nanaki picks up Squall and Rinoa's bodies into the trash compactor. Vincent stumbles in and sits at the table. Cait Sith comes in with huge double D boobs. everyone looks up and freezes.  
  
Nanaki="Oh my god....."  
  
Cloud="Oh my god......"  
  
Vincent="Oh My god......"  
  
Tifa="You went to that plastic surgeon on fifth street didn't you?! NOW YOUR BETTER THAN ME!!!!!!!"  
  
tifa pulled out a needle and jammed it into Cait Sith's Right boob. it deflated instantly.  
  
Cait Sith="Oh My god, you dirty slut!"  
  
Tifa="At least I'm not a transvestite!"  
  
Vincent pulled out Death penalty and shot cait sith. Every one turned and looked at him.  
  
Vincent="Sorry, but my sexy self couldn't stand the stuffed animal. I never really did like him."  
  
Tifa shrugged and jumped on Vincent's lap. Cloud glared and stood up, going to the fridge for a hot dog.  
  
Cid walked in, wearing a thong and a pair of gucci sunglasses. He stepped on Barret and walked into the kitchen.  
  
Cid="Why the hell is barret on the floor?!"  
  
Nanaki="Why the hell are you dressed like your going to an Usher concert?!"  
  
Tifa="Usher is sooooo hot."  
  
Vincent="I know, totally hot like my sexy beast of myself."  
  
Zell="What the fuck?!"  
  
Vincent="I swear I'm not gay! I swear!"  
  
Zell="Huh? I was talking about my hot dog! There's a hair in it!"  
  
Everyone forgot about vincent and huddled around Zell's hot dog.  
  
"eew! It's red!"  
  
They looked at Nanaki, whom was licking himself in places that are unspeakable.  
  
Tifa="Oh my god! Nanaki!"  
  
Nanaki gasps and runs into the bathroom.  
  
Cloud="No Not my bathroom!!! Wait...I have a bathroom! AWESOME!"  
  
Sephiroth walks in wearing a leather thong and a cowboy hat.  
  
Sephiroth="hi everyone."  
  
Vincent and Cid stand and walk over to him.  
  
Cid="Why are we wearing thongs and bikini's?"  
  
Vincent=-speaks like a school girl- "There was a sale at JC Penny's!"  
  
Sephiroth="uh....vincent you are so gay."  
  
Vincent cries like a baby and runs into the bathroom. A high pitched scream is heard and Vincent comes running out, covered in some sort of liquid.  
  
Vincent="nanaki...nasty....ew.....two inches..." -Dies.Well...passes out for a moment over-dramatically.-  
  
Everyone laughs and pokes Vincent's bikini, including cloud.  
  
Cloud="Well I guess I should inspect the damages inflicted to my bathroom."  
  
The bathroom was covered in slime. Nanaki was no where to be found and it was apparent that he jumped out the window.  
  
Cloud="I have a window in here too?!"  
  
Narrator="Your not supposed to read my text you retard."  
  
Cloud="Oh. My bad."  
  
Narrator="NOw get the fuck outta here before I kick your ass."  
  
Cloud="Dum de dum de dum." -isn't listening to the Narrator-  
  
NArrator="YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO LISTEN TO THAT!"  
  
Cloud=-totally oblivious-  
  
Narrator="...Just go on to the next event please." -speaking to the author.-  
  
Author (me)="Sorry about that. What do you expect, your not being paid."  
  
Zell finished all the food in the fridge and jumped on his hover board and went back to Balamb.  
  
Zell="Bye my peeps!"  
  
Tifa="That is so last year."  
  
Zell="Fuck you!"  
  
Sephiroth="...Anyone up for a game of twister?"  
  
Barret gets up and sits down at the table.  
  
Tifa="Barret, I have some bad news..."  
  
Barret="What?"  
  
Tifa= "Well, Zell ate all the hot dogs and...Marlene was killed and thrown out the window."  
  
Barret="....OH MY GOD!!!!!! HE ATE ALL THE HOT DOGS?!! THAT BASTARD!"  
  
Tifa="But I have good news."  
  
Barret="Is there some hot dogs left?!"  
  
Tifa="No...but I just saved hundreds of dollars on my car insurence by switching to Geico."  
  
Barret="Cool."  
  
Tifa="Yeah."  
  
Sephiroth="This party is lame. Anyone up for twister?"  
  
everyone="Hell yeah!"  
  
Cid, Tifa,Cloud,Barret,Vincent, and Sephiroth all played Twister untill it was one in the morning. They all slept in the living room.  
  
Weapon snuck in through the window and crept into the living room and killed them all, except for Vincent who was made it's love slave. Vincent kicked and screamed in the process of being carried out the window and knocked off Weapon's head, revealing Yuffie.  
  
Vincent="Oh My god! WHAT THE FUCK!?!"  
  
Yuffie="Shu'up!"  
  
Vincent was never seen or heard from again.  
  
Well, this chapter kinda sucked big hairy balls. -shakes head.- Oh well. I was having a sort of block. I'll do better in the next chapter. And sorry, for it seemed I bashed everyone, except for Cid...I'll make up for that. Buwhahaha -evil laugh.- 


	5. Chapter Five

A/n Here is another chapter of Remakes! Yay!!  
  
Screen fades to where Cloud, Tifa, Barret and Nanaki are sitting in the Seventh Heaven, Tifa's bar.  
  
Tifa="I got a new valve for my beer keg. When I lift it up it has small blades that grind the beer before putting it in a glass. I know beer is a liquid, but it there is an ice cube or a dead rat in there it is shredded and ground into liquid and put in the glass. I love it!"  
  
Cloud="Ya'know Tifa. Why the hell do you own a bar? I mean, Your a woman. You prolly get raped every night by drunk guys."  
  
Tifa="...You drank here a couple of nights ago, don't you remember?"  
  
Cloud.= -O.O-"....Can't say...that I remember..."-clears throat.-  
  
Barret="Well I for one, couldn't give a rats ass where Tifa works. Aslong as she is makin' money and I don't have to get her pregnant so she can go on welfare, I couldn't give a fuck."  
  
Tifa&Cloud= -O.O-  
  
Barret= -starts to sing- "I'm too sexy for my shirt...too sexy for my-"  
  
Tifa and Cloud cut him off. "STOP!!!"  
  
Nanaki orders another drink. He looks really drunk.  
  
Tifa="I don't think you should have another drink..."  
  
Nanaki= "I know what i fuckin want bitch! Gimme another drink!!"  
  
Tifa="Geez, alright you PMSy jerkoff."  
  
Nanaki="That's right."  
  
Cloud= -stares at Tifa's boobs.-  
  
Barret= "CLOUD!"  
  
Cloud= -drools.-  
  
Tifa slaps him a few times...with her hands...and wakes him up.  
  
Cloud="Whoopies. My bad."  
  
Tifa glares and sits down, handing Nanaki his drink.Cloud clears his throat and thinks about something for a moment.  
  
Cloud="I wonder what Square Enix and the FF7 crew were thinking when they created Tifa....wait...nevermind. O.O"  
  
Tifa="CLOUD!"  
  
Cloud="Cuz I mean, damn. A martial artist with huge tits. She could proabably just suffocate Sephiroth."  
  
Tifa="oh my god..." -in shock-  
  
Sephiroth walks in, dressed in a hot pink halter top and high heels. He walks seductively over to the four and sits down, puckering out his lip-stick covered lips.  
  
Sephy="Hey you sexy things."  
  
Barret breaks into song again.  
  
Barret="I'm too sexy for my car...too sexy for my...arms...Uh..  
  
They ignore him and stare at Sephiroth.  
  
Nanaki="Someone is Hot tonight!"  
  
Sephiroth plays with his pigtails.  
  
Sephy="Hehehe"  
  
Cloud="Who woulda thought that the Great ex-general Sephiroth was...a...Transvestite!!?!?"  
  
Tifa="See, so I couldn't of suffocated him with my sexy boobs vuz he thinks he's a woman! See!"  
  
Barret="Well, you still coulda suffocated him, he just wouldn't have enjoyed it."  
  
Tifa stands and knocks over all their drinks with her chest and walks away.  
  
Cloud="...damnit..I payed twenty gil for this drink. Money hungry Bitch."  
  
Nanaki and Sephy sneak out the bar and towards a hotel.  
  
Barret and Cloud= -O.O-  
  
Cloud="That was...unexpected."  
  
Barret="well, I think i'll go give my Yogi bear daughter a talk about condoms and sex and herpes. Later."  
  
Cloud="Bye! damn...i hafta pick up the check....Screw it."  
  
Cloud runs out of the bar laughing like a maniac as the screen fades.  
  
Screen fades back to the bar to where AVALANCHE enters the bar after their first mission. Marlene runs up and hugs Cloud's legs.  
Marlene="Wait..Your not daddy! Daddy's balls hang lower!" -She kicks him in the shin and runs behind the counter.-  
  
Cloud="Little brat."  
  
Barret walks in and Marlene runs up and dives onto his legs. Barret's balls swing forward as he comes to a halt and they smack Marlene back into the various bottles of liquor that are situated on the shelves at the back of the bar.  
  
Everyone= -O.O"-  
  
Cloud="Wow, she was right."  
  
Marlene="I like big...balls and I cannot...lie..." -She passes out and falls into the huge keg of beer.-  
  
No one seems to notice and continue their activities.  
  
Barret=" Awright you lazy ho, Gimme a drink!"  
  
Tifa obediantly gets him a drink.  
  
Cloud="Hmm....You lazy slut get me a fucking drink!"  
  
Tifa turns and boob slaps him across the face. Cloud flies into a wall.  
  
Cloud="You did it for Barret!"  
  
Tifa="Barret has bigger balls than you."  
  
Cloud grumbles and gets down from the wall. He sits by Wedge, Jessie, and Biggs.  
  
Wedge="We don't talk. We have no signifance."  
  
Biggs="Yeah. so you won't get a conversation out of us."  
  
Cloud="Erm. Ok.."  
  
Barret="Well lets go down into our secret hide out beneath the pinball machine along the right side of the wall."  
  
Everyone in the bar turns to look at Barret and start to mumble. Barret stands, removes his face as if it was a mask. He turns out to be Will Smith. He puts on a pair of shades and "flashy things them." He puts the mask back on and shrugs.  
  
Barret="C'mon foos."  
  
Barret chases out the pedestrians and Avalanche goes over to the pinball machine.  
  
Jessie="Hey...Let's do this like Noah's Ark. We'll go down two by two!"  
  
Wedge="That is the dumbest idea I ever heard...I call Cloud!"  
  
jessie="No I call cloud!"  
  
As they argued Barret pushed them on and flipped the switch. Wedge and jessie glowered as they sunk down.  
  
Barret="Next. Me and Biggs'll go."  
  
Cloud=" No I don't wanna go down with Tifa!!"  
  
Barret and biggs hurridly jump on the platform and they disapear.  
  
Cloud="Bastards."  
  
Tifa="Well, let's go down."  
  
Cloud="you hafta sit on the pinball machine and face the wall."  
  
Tifa="Why?!"  
  
Cloud gets on the platform and so down Tifa. Cloud flips the switch but then tries to stop it.  
  
Cloud="C'mon you hafta face the wall! NOOO!"  
  
Tifa="I see no reason why I should fa--OH SHIT!!!"  
  
Tifa's boobs got stuck in the gears and the platform jammed. Cloud glared and slapped the back of Tifa's head.  
  
Cloud="damn you, woman. I told you!"  
  
Tifa sighed and got herself free. The platform snapped off the wall and they sped towards the bottom, crushing biggs.  
  
Cloud="Oh well, he was ugly any way and he had no important significance."  
  
They all turned to watch the TV as the man reported the loss of the reactor.  
  
Cloud="Damn..."  
  
Tifa="This channel sucks. Let's watch Dora the Whora."  
  
They all agree and turn on Dick Jr.  
  
Dora="Hey my bitches. I'm Dora the whora and this is Lootz, my biatch."  
  
Lootz="Bling Bling, dawg. Dat my pimp, playa. Represent!"  
  
Dora="Today we gunna find my dildo. It's at the top of Hooters Mountain."  
  
The camera pans to see a huge Mountain. It is just a huge boob.  
  
Cloud="Tifa did you star in this movie?"  
  
Tifa throws the remote at the tv, shattering both the remote and the Tv.  
  
Barret="DAMMIT! That TV was expensive!"  
  
Everyone pulls out a safety pin and jumps on Tifa as the Screen fades out...  
  
A/N. This chappie was a bit Dirty. O.o heh. Anyway, I gotta go. Oh yeah, And I don't own Nick Jr or Dora the explorer. Or anything like that. And Don't flame me for Tifa bashing. Buwaha. 


End file.
